What Might Have Been
by TheToxicPrincess
Summary: Sirius looks back on his life and his biggest regret, never kissing Remus Lupin.  SB/RL oneshot


I will never forget the first time I saw Remus Lupin. I was on the train on my way to my first year at Hogwarts. I was sitting in a compartment by myself watching as the scenery flashed by when there was a tap on the door. I looked over to see a short slim boy open the door and poke his head through.

"Mind if I sit here? Everything else is full." I nodded and the boy came in. He sat on the seat across from me and I resumed looking out the window.

We sat in silence for several minutes before the boy pulled out a book and started reading. I looked over at him and was surprised to find him looking back at me. He quickly hid his head behind the book's thick pages, but not before I noticed that his cheeks had flushed a a brilliant pink.

"I'm Sirius Black," I finally said.

The boy looked up at me and smiled, "I'm Remus Lupin."

* * *

We talked for the rest of the ride. He was a shy boy by nature, and was very nervous about starting at a new school. He told me about how he had no friends at his old school, and how he had been worried that he wouldn't make friends at Hogwarts.

"I was shocked when I got my letter," he confided, "I've never done any magic. Not even by accident."

"I've known what I was my whole life," I said, "My family are pure bloods."

"Pure bloods?"

"A wizarding family with a long history of just pure wizard blood." I ended my explanation there. I did not want to go any further into my background.

My family was not a kind one, or a good one. I had always been the black sheep in the Black family. As little that I know about Remus, I really liked him, and as little as he knew about my family, the better.

* * *

My family had been sorted into Slytherin for generations. This was something they took pride in. They had told me, prepared me to be a Slytherin. In my school bag I found a soft silver and green scarf. So when I was sorted into Gryffindor, I was shocked.

Remus and I sat down at the Gryffindor table and watched the other first years get sorted.

"Peter Pettigrew," the ancient professor called, reading the name off of her scroll. A short chubby boy with scraggly hair walked forward and sat on the stool. He itched his nose as the with lowered the Sorting Hat onto his head.

"Gryffindor!" cried the hat, and the witch pulled the hat off of the boy's head. He stood up and walked towards the table. The entire table applauded him as he sat down across from Remus and I.

"I'm Sirius," I said, extending my hand to the boy.

His palm was sweaty as he took my hand in his, "Peter." His voice was small and squeeky.

"James Potter," the witch called.

I looked back to the front of the hall to see a tall boy with messy black hair sit down on the stool. The professor set the hat down on top of the boy's head. It was barely atop his head when the hat yelled out, "Gryffindor!"

James walked toward the Gryffindor table with a sense of confidence that was not present in any of the other first years.

He say down next to Peter and flashed a brilliant smile at us. "Hi, I'm James."

* * *

The four of us, Remus, Peter, James, and I, became best friends instantly. We went to class together, spent time in the common room together, we were inseparable.

I grew to love the others like my brothers, but it was Remus that I was the closest to. Sometimes we would spend time just the two of us. We would talk about everything, from school work to our families to the one thing we shared in common that none of the other boys understood.

The first time I changed in front of Remus I was terrified. When I told him about what I could do he didn't believe me, so I decided to show him.

After the change I looked up at Remus. His face was full of wonder as he stared at me.

"S...Sirius?" he said, placing a hand on my head.

I opened my mouth into a grin and nuzzled his hand. He ran his fingers through my fur and smiled.

I changed back and felt my cheeks burn red. I had never changed in front of anyone before. I had never felt so vulnerable and naked before, and I liked it.

"I can do something like that too," Remus said, staring at his feet. "But I can't control it like you can."

"Really?"

"Yes. I was... bitten. By a wolf. And, on full moons I change."

"Wait, you're a..."

"A werewolf," Remus said, his face now a brilliant shade of scarlet. "I've never told anyone before."

His cheeks looked so adorable all flushed like that. Before I realized what I was doing, my hand brushed against his cheek. His eyes widened as I allowed my hands to wander.

I stepped closer to Remus so that we stood nose to nose. I watched him closely as I licked my lips, judging my actions by his reactions. I opened my mouth and leaned in. I could smell him, the sweat on his skin, the soft scent of soap and musty books. My lips were about to touch his when the sound of people coming through the brush toward us stopped us. We pulled apart just as James and Peter came into view.

"Oi, what you doin' out here?" asked Peter. "We've been looking everywhere for you."

* * *

That was the closest Remus and I ever came to kissing. The rest of my life I spent wondering what could have been, what should have been.

If only I had kissed his lips, just once. But it doesn't pay to wonder what might have been.


End file.
